Hey buffleheads! It's National Grouch Day!

Oh, sure. You're celebrating Zoom's birthday today.

You're even celebrating National All Bufflehead's (sic) Day.

But are you celebrating National Grouch Day? You know, Oscar the Grouch's birthday?

Figures.

You probably wouldn't even have noticed the apostrophe if I hadn't sicced Latin annotations on it.

- RG>

NCC faces its Waterlude

With warm weather coming up this weekend, I guess it's time to pull out ol' rainful, my cleverly-crafted parody of the Winterlude logo.

First debuted last January. Like so many of my subversive efforts, the changes were so subtle and so seamless that I think it went unnoticed in plain sight.

It would be a terrible thing if someone were to print it out and paste it over official Winterlude materials...

BTW, I'm a great fan of the canal and Winterlude. Aside from the Beavertails, it's a free festival for all to enjoy in the middle of a miserable season.

- RG>

A RealSherlock in the making

Sitting at Bridgehead this evening, I noticed something a little...different.

Working on a hunch, I texted my friend:

RG: "Did Umi close or something?? There's all sorts of hippies in my coffeeshop today."

My friend, who lives near Umi Café, promptly confirmed that the worker collective-operated coffeeshop at Somerset and Percy had been "bought out" by the Korean restaurant next door. As of yet they haven't updated their website.

Be on the look out for drum circles as Umi's clientele disperses throughout the city. (That link courtesy of today being National Grouch Day)

In related news, Exile Infoshop also closed their permanent location recently, after a three-year run. They're still active, just without a physical space (which took a lot of their time, energy and money to keep open).

- RG>

National Grouch Day required reading: the Oatmeal

October 15 is National Grouch Day (as far as I'm concerned, at least), which I try to acknowledge on the blog.

I'm still quite fond of last year's National Grouch Day entry, 15 ways to celebrate National Grouch Day, so instead of trying to top it, I'll recommend you some other grouchy content.

If you haven't been before, head on over to The Oatmeal. Sticklers for clear, unobstructed communication will appreciate his cartoon-like rants. Like the recent entry, If you do this in an e-mail, I hate you, which displays caricatures of egregious e-mail faux-pas. Or another social error, misuse of the word literally in conversation.

The Oatmeal also has helpful tips about grammar. Helpful, that is, for those of us who are tired of always having to point out these errors. Some examples:

• How to use i.e.
• How to use a semicolon (Note: I used a colon twice in this paragraph; in neither instance would a semicolon be appropriate!)
• 10 words you need to stop misspelling, and, of course,
• How to use an apostrophe

The whole website is written, designed and coded by a fellow named Matthew Inman. Being a web designer, he has assembled a repertoire of tips and commentary about that field. For example, he has a list of 8 websites you need to stop building, he explains why printers were sent from hell, and provides sound advice on why it's better to pretend you don't know anything about computers.

While much of his work is bitching about various things, there are some other less hostile pieces that are nevertheless enjoyable. Things like Why Captain Higgins is [his] favourite parasitic ringworm, 10 reasons it would rule to date a unicorn, and 20 things worth knowing about beer.

So check it out, subscribe to his RSS or Twitter feed, and maybe buy some of his shit to keep him chained to his desk producing funny pictures for our enjoyment.

And in honour of National Grouch day, if you find his site to be an unentertaining waste of time, please fuck off. :)

- RG>

I'm poor again. That was easy.

I have a friend who declared earlier this month that she wanted nothing to do with Christmas. Not only did the constant reminders of rampant consumerism and religious messages bother her, but she was also averse to the ideal alternative of spending the time with family for a great meal, because her partner's turkey-eating family can't come to terms with the couple's vegetarianism.

We brainstormed ways of avoiding Christmas, especially on a nearly absent budget. This would be difficult: stores are closed, and those that are open are blaring Merry Christmas messages all over. I think we settled on "dig a hole" and "walk to Kanata" as the best options, though a few days before Christmas she gave in to celebrating the damn holiday, in some form or another.

But still, it's an interesting question for future reference: how could my friend avoid Christmas (for little to no money?)

* * *

I suffer a similar Christmas dilemma myself, because as much as I bemoan it and downplay it (for example, I keep my standard greeting instead of using a "seasonal" one when saying goodbye, except for the occasional "Happy Humbug"), I do, technically, celebrate it. That is, I go to the annual family gathering and stay a few days, and it's become a tradition for me to stay at my aunt's place where I watch Cable TV marathons of sci fi films and TV shows.

I also exchange gifts, though in a very limited fashion. My dad was kind enough this year to throw politeness to the wind and flat out asked me what I wanted, and gave me a list of gift ideas for himself (very useful, as we're both hard to shop for). This generally involved links to various products on the MEC website. I can't tell if it's superficial or transparent, but whatever it is, it seems to work.

* * *

I am also lucky enough to receive money for Christmas, plus a meagre bonus at work. Last year, I had enough to buy a new bed, and this year I was hoping to be able to replace my laptop.

Unfortunately, my savings are still low, due to borrowing from them to buy a projector in June and a camera last month (and I haven't sold the old one yet). To buy a new laptop, I'd have to borrow even more from my savings. Since my job is not secure past March 31st, replenishing my savings is the most prudent course of action.

After doing so, and deducting the price of my gifts to others, I calculated I had a hundred or two to spend on my whims. This is remarkably difficult for someone who delights in useless free shit found in the trash. So I went to Staples yesterday to gratify my consumerist desires, and noticed a bin of those big red buttons that speak out "that was easy!" when you press them. I wondered, who the hell would actually buy one of those?!? (No, I didn't)

As I left the store, I considered the total price of the new toy plus a spare camera battery from Henry's. As I returned to my bike, I muttered to myself:

"I'm poor again. That was easy!"

- RG>

15 Ways to Celebrate National Grouch Day

October 15 is National Grouch Day. For those amateur grouches out there wondering how to make it through National Grouch Day who weren't satisfied with my last suggestion of how to celebrate National Grouch Day, here is a list of fifteen ways to celebrate:

• Don't.
  
  
• Look for fault in everything and everybody you come into contact with. If you can't find any, turn your attention elsewhere and try again.
  
  
• Correct the spelling, grammar, and factual errors in the newspaper with a pen. Then put it back in the pile at the coffeeshop (or the newsstand).
  
  
• When people ask questions they don't really want to hear the answer to, like "how's it going," waste their time with longwinded answers.
  
  
• Let something bother you. Wake up in the middle of the night to blog about it. Extra points if you tried to ignore it by going to sleep but instead let it keep you up until the middle of the night.
  
  
• Rant.
  
  
• Go to any length possible to be in a position to say "I told you so," but let it go without saying.
  
  
• Always be prepared to tell the story of the last person you saw saying or doing something stupid, or who pissed you off. Tell this story to everyone you have the opportunity to tell (except the person in question). With each iteration, refine the narrative and be more cocky about your role.
  
  
• Put someone on hold. Or time your absence from your office when you know someone is going to call.
  
  
• USE ALL CAPS AT LEAST ONCE A DAY to make your point.
  
  
• Make others uncomfortable by telling outrageous (yet technically plausible) lies about yourself. Using their reaction, turn the conversation to them.
  
  
• Procrastinate.
  
  
• Visit icanhascheezburger.com and vote down the entries that aren't funny, and the ones that are funny but in the wrong style.
  
  
• Bait [other] nitpickers and lash out at them for not seeing your subtle point. (Avoid Muphry's Law)

Have a nasty National Grouch Day.

- RG>

Here's to 8759 unearthed hours

Celebrations can be so unkind. I try not to partake (parades excepted), so I have a tendency to miss them.

Except, you know, when they're shoved down your throat from all angles. Which is always.

There was Kindness Week a few weeks ago... I was unfortunately kind to people on each of the three days after it ended. Had I been more up-to-date with my newspapers, I would have realized my awkward timing and kept my kindness to myself. Apparently Ottawa-Centre MPP Yasir Naqvi wants to take Kindness Week provincewide, which is the kind of thing a back bench parliamentarian does to try to feel like he's doing something. At least a provincewide Kindness Week is fairly benign, unlike Naqvi's proposed SCAN legislation.

But the occasion for today's rant is of course Earth Hour, that one hour of the year where you pretend to care about the earth by turning off your lights. My blog entry on Earth Hour last year, titled For Every Light You Turn Off gets a lot of hits, thanks mostly to Italians and Germans searching Google Images for the associated graphic that I myself had located the same way in preparation of the post.

It's somewhat ironic that I post more about Earth Hour than I do about National Grouch Day, but I guess that just proves I'm not biased when it comes to non-celebration.

For a good rant against Earth Hour, I suggest reading this entry on the blog of Citizen editor Ken Gray. For assorted ramblings about Earth Hour, continue reading here.

Earth Day, in its simplest form, is--

Sorry, Earth Hour. My brain has a hard time acknowledging that people can hold an annual celebration in the span of an hour. I can barely get a blog entry written in that much time. Even though most people only celebrate it at 11am, November 11th is still called Remembrance (or Armistice, or Veteran's) Day. Now the 2003 blackout, that's the kind of thing we should be doing every year. That brought people away from their TVs and cell phones and into the streets communing with neighbours. (For reference, Earth Day is April 22nd.)

Anyway, Earth hour is an insane concept because it asks us to turn off our lights for one hour on a Saturday night once a year--something that nearly everyone does for many hours every other night of the year anyway. Then again, the idea started in Sydney, Australia, so maybe the lights there are normally on during the night because of the time difference...

This year, Ottawa City Hall made a big motherfucking poster for Earth Hour. Literally three stories tall:

And I'd be really surprised if the amount of energy saved by Ottawans' horoterrestrial delumination will balance out the amount of energy that went into making that damn thing.

But people say that Earth Hour, even though it's symbolic, inspires people to make real changes in their lives. Yeah, like changing their vote to the politician who promises the most smiles and rainbows.

It's a way to get people to feel smug about caring for the environment, and for those who don't care about the environment to get their annual lip service out of the way and feel equally smug. You can even drive to the coffeeshop and tell your friends about how great you are for having turned off your lights off at home while you're not there.

Another aside: you'll release a lot more CO2 emissions by burning candles than you ever will with lightbulbs, and those emissions are released right in your house, not at a power plant hundreds of kilometres away.

Considering how little of the household energy bill goes to lighting, does anyone really think that Earth Hour is responsible for recent reports that Ottawa's average electricity demand is going down? I'd also be interested to know the response when people are asked to cut energy use in order to feel good as compared to, say, being threatened with rolling brownouts.

There's a general shift in the public consciousness toward environmentalism and conservation, and it doesn't need a celebration to happen. It makes sense to reduce your energy consumption, and can save money, too, since energy use often has a direct cost factor somewhere up the line, and people are. People are making changes in their lives; Earth Hour is just a contrivance to let them talk about it. And talk is cheap.

Be it kindness, grouchiness, or energy consumption, if you want to change your habits, don't wait for a bloody holiday to do it.

- RG>

HPVOoO Santa Claus Parade pix

You may wonder what a grouch like myself would be doing celebrating at the Help Santa Toy Parade. Isn't a parade a celebration? Is it appropriate for a grouch to celebrate anything?

Well, as much as I don't like Christmas, I found a great justification to celebrate the Santa Claus parade this year, as I told a few of the folks at the start of the parade: The better a job we do at promoting Santa Claus, the more elaborate the ruse is, and the bigger the fall will be when kids find out it's all a lie! Mwa ha ha!

Okay, so really it's because parades are a lot of fun.

And the Human Powered Vehicle Operators of Ottawa like doing parades. Richard usually gets his greenspeed tandem trike and 4x8' trailer out--which was extended longer for this float--and lots of others usually come out on their own machines.

Blackburn Pete had to cancel right before leaving his house on account of becoming a grandpa.

Anyway, Richard's server isn't working so he can't upload his photos, particularly the traditional end-of-parade group shot (and my camera battery was dead by the end so I didn't get a group shot). He didn't take too many photos, either, so I guess I'm the one who'll be taking photos.

Enjoy!

- RG>

National Grouch Day

Apparently, today is National Grouch Day.

You can celebrate it by hugging the nearest grouch fucking off!

- RG>

Emergency parade!

I'm used to hearing loud, eclectic music from the neighbours across the street, but this time it something was different. Here's what I wrote on IRC:

12:39 Dixieland!
12:39 Across the street!
12:39 Live, I think!
12:39 Must investigate!
12:39 Yay! Labour Day Parade!

Indeed, it was true! A parade going by the house.



So I grabbed my hammer, smashed the front off the box in my kitchen that says "IN CASE OF PARADE, BREAK GLASS", grabbed my parade bike and went out to join in the fun!

In under ten minutes, I was in amidst the action, bringing joy and tears to children and adults alike!

I passed the Amalgamated Transit Union guys, busted past the Will Murray/NDP folks, and chatted with one of the ladies of the Canadian Union of Postal Workers. Before the turn onto Bronson, there was a bit of a holdup, so I did a few circles and tricks on my bike and posted for some photos.

Around the corner, there was another holdup, and the Sgt. Crozier made a bunch of terrible puns about my bowling pin helmet. I had heard the "on strike" one before, but admittedly, never in a Labour Day parade.

I chatted with Councillor Clive Doucet (I also chatted with Coun. Doug Thompson, who I believe had no clue who I was) as well as with the Dixieland players. They said they get together once a year for this parade. I proved my knowledge of the Ottawa Dixieland scene by mentioning pointing out that the RCMP Dixieland band plays across from Parliament Hill on Friday and Saturday mornings.

I got into the park, and someone offered to take my photo. How could I not oblige!

Happy Labor Dabor.

- RG>

New Years Ingrates

I needed to get milk, and it was 20:00 on December 31. I didn't want to do it the following day, because I don't want store managers to get satisfaction out of making their employees work on holidays.

Nevertheless, I went to the bank, withdrew a twenty, and went to the 24-hour convenience store.

Twice--once when locking my bike before entering the store, and once while unlocking it after my purchase--a young couple walked by expressing their distaste at the fact that the clerk was on the phone the whole time.

When I went in, the guy was on the phone, speaking a language that even I couldn't recognize. I didn't care. He was probably talking with his family or something. I thanked him anyway.

I didn't say anything to the first couple, but when I heard the second couple, I reminded them that maybe they should be grateful that this guy was working on New Year's Eve.

"Still, it's not good customer service to talk on the phone like that," said the girl. She was all made up, and they were probably going to a bar for some late-night partying.

The guy commented, too: "Hey, I work in retail and I had to work today."

I imagine he probably works in the underwear department at Sears. The only people who probably would have been shopping at his store were consumer whores looking for their Boxing Week specials. If he didn't work today because the store were closed, a horse might have yawned.

Whatever the guy does, his fancy coat and clothes demonstrate that his employment is clearly not comparable to a convenience-store clerk who works the midnight shift for a large chain.

If you don't like it, go somewhere else. Oh, wait--that's right: this is the only place that's open. Fuck off already.

- RG>