Wednesday, October 14, 2009

15 Ways to Celebrate National Grouch Day

October 15 is National Grouch Day. For those amateur grouches out there wondering how to make it through National Grouch Day who weren't satisfied with my last suggestion of how to celebrate National Grouch Day, here is a list of fifteen ways to celebrate:

  • Don't.

  • Look for fault in everything and everybody you come into contact with. If you can't find any, turn your attention elsewhere and try again.

  • Correct the spelling, grammar, and factual errors in the newspaper with a pen. Then put it back in the pile at the coffeeshop (or the newsstand).

  • When people ask questions they don't really want to hear the answer to, like "how's it going," waste their time with longwinded answers.

  • Let something bother you. Wake up in the middle of the night to blog about it. Extra points if you tried to ignore it by going to sleep but instead let it keep you up until the middle of the night.

  • Rant.

  • Go to any length possible to be in a position to say "I told you so," but let it go without saying.

  • Always be prepared to tell the story of the last person you saw saying or doing something stupid, or who pissed you off. Tell this story to everyone you have the opportunity to tell (except the person in question). With each iteration, refine the narrative and be more cocky about your role.

  • Put someone on hold. Or time your absence from your office when you know someone is going to call.

  • USE ALL CAPS AT LEAST ONCE A DAY to make your point.

  • Make others uncomfortable by telling outrageous (yet technically plausible) lies about yourself. Using their reaction, turn the conversation to them.

  • Procrastinate.

  • Visit and vote down the entries that aren't funny, and the ones that are funny but in the wrong style.

  • Bait [other] nitpickers and lash out at them for not seeing your subtle point. (Avoid Muphry's Law)
Have a nasty National Grouch Day.

- RG>


Lynn said...

OH MY GOD, apparently I have been celebrating National Grouch Day every day this past year. Who knew?

RealGrouchy said...

That's the spirit! This is why National Grouch Day is important--to celebrate grouch awareness.

Now, for National Grouch Day, be particularly grouchy by not celebrating at all.

- RG>

Anonymous said...

A really grouchy way to not celebrate it would also be to not acknowledge that it's also Zoom's birthday!! And while you're correcting the grammar in newspapers don't forget to do the same thing to library books so that the next person who gets the book is constantly distracted by your edits which are mostly totally wrong and stupid.

zoom said...

I think it's hilarious that Oscar the Grouch and I share a birthday. I'm all sunshine and lollipops and Oscar's all dog poop and chewing gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe. But I love him anyway! He's so adorably sweet and grouchy I just want to hug the stuffing out of him.

Him said...

How about wishing you a Happy National Grouch Day? Does that count as celebration? Is the Geico gecko communist? And how *does* one construct a recursive baklava? All these answers and more, exclusively at SL4L. (You magnificent bastard.)

RealGrouchy said...

XUP - I once had a friend get angry at me because I wished her a happy birthday the day before (apparently her grandmother was superstitious or something), so I've stopped. I also try not to acknowledge my own--such an arbitrary way to draw attention.

Bakey - If you are having a happy grouch day, then you are not being grouchy. That defeats the purpose.

- RG>