Monday, March 07, 2005

Next, they'll ban makeup (bitching, commentary)

Lawmakers in Illinois want to ban 'eye jewellery'. Not that anyone in the midwest would have to go anywhere near that far to be considered strange, however.

"I don't think anybody should be messing with the eyeball," Democratic Representative Kevin Joyce said Friday during a procedure to have his cataracts removed and shortly before scheduling an appointment for laser eye surgery.

Proponents of the law posit that it might possibly somehow lead to medical problems, especially if tools are sanitized with toilet water. They also cite the unrefutable slippery slope phenomenon: if we tolerate moderate forms of deviance, it will most certainly lead to more crime and abuse of innocent children.

So what other reason might there be for the government to introduce this legislation? Well, if it causes medical complications, it will cost the taxpayers to pay for their healthcare.

Sorry, what's that? There's no universal health care in the US? People have to pay for their own treatment?

Right. Moving on...

The government's case is a very strong one, as we should always fear things that are new and potentially unboring. People who attempt to install eye jewellery should be charged with a felony offence.

Of course, most people who would do this would probably already be criminals. It's not like any medical professional will go anywhere near it, since some other doctors have suspiciouns that it might lead to disease. But since it's illegal, nobody would ever do this sort of thing untrained and uncertified.

So this means that people will have to revert to the preexisting legal method of getting metal in their eyes: handguns. Obviously, it is safer than having a 'jewelerry professional' insert metal into your eye, because it is legal.

Shrapnel from mortar shells and landmines are also exempt from the proposed law, in order to prevent US soldiers in Iraq from being charged as felons.

- RG>

2 comments:

jason said...

That was pretty funny.

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